Painted Doll
by TheBlackCatCrossing
Summary: She is unpredictable, dangerous, and has a wicked sense of humor with a mouth to match. He is powerful, short tempered, and has destroyed universes with the machinations of his silver tongue. What happens when two tricksters from different verses collide? Part 1/3


**Originally written April 2014.**

 **Hello, hello: I have had this idea on the backburner for so long but due to real life (work, health, serving as Loki's minion after Joker almost killed me), I needed a break. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this silly little fic. This will be installed in three parts.**

 **July 24, 2015.**

 **Title: The Painted Doll**

 **Synopsis: She is unpredictable, dangerous, and has a wicked sense of humor with a mouth to match. He is powerful, short tempered, and has almost universes due to the machinations of his silver tongue. What happens when two tricksters from different verses collide?**

 **Verse: Marvel and DC Crossover**

 **Genre: Humor, suspense, mystery, and maybe romance?**

* * *

Harley was furious. According to her birth chart, the position of the moon in her horoscope during the second week of the month had a significance. It had promised her fortune but the last two weeks, well, all she needed was for a dog to pee on her. The exercise ball she ordered was sent to the wrong address, her favorite manicurist 'accidentally' cancelled her appointment, citing 'late' payments, and her credit card was The Fashion Bug, her favorite shop. She had so wanted that layered pink laced skirt to go with her Hello Kitty t-shirt.

"My job position isn't exactly in the most secure condition at the moment, but I DID pay off those three hundred dollars on my GAP card!"

She decided that it was time for change. Most people would have reorganized their priorities. She was supposed to keep a closer eye on her checkbook and be more consistent with her balance. She knew that she would have to set up a budget. She was supposed to look for a second job, even if it meant that the pay was a little more inconsistent.

Besides, the idea of making up a 'fee' for her tenants at her new digs in Coney Island was disingenuous and she could not do that to them. She was a little too 'famous' for a nude art class at the local studio and she was not subtle enough to work as a grocer at the organic foods market down on Third and Fairfield. Besides, she really hated handling beets. They reminded her too much of her girlfriend, Ivy.

Instead, she sought the help of a fortune teller. The stars were wacky and someone had to explain to her why!

She had heard about the place. It was a hidden out of the way little corner shop that was 'out of the way'. It was in a part of the town were creative artsy fartsy types and coffee shops were set up. Harley didn't like to come here because she thought that it was full of 'hipsters and trustafarians who only come here to raise rents!

"Those sons of bitches are why my favorite Mom and Pop shop closed down!' They are why my babies can't get a decent groomer! That's why I havent taken them to have their mani/pedi!"

She finally found the place. It looked like a third hand boutique but she knew about first impressions. The curtains were drawn. She knew she was at the right spot when she saw the sign 'Madame X' posted on the front. Harley smiled at the moon and star deco that gave the place a mystical look. She reminded herself to head back down to the local flea market to find a matching set. She was feeling rather...astral now.

It looked like a spooky library at first but then she saw the various tables and assortment of scrolls. It looked like the dwelling on someone who liked to collect various mystical artifacts: charts, candles, oils, statues, various books on planets, Tarot sets, sheer drapes, healing crystals, astrology sets and an appointment book.

The place had a certain Otherworldy charm to it.

She was certainly out of her element. Her interest in astrology was profound but a little self serving. She knew the basic stuff such as the Decans and how the Sun sign and Rising sign were two different things. It was an interest that she developed when she was in high school but that was as far as she went. She did this for fun...most of the time at least.

"Hello?" Harley called out. "I brought saltine crackers, cuz you know, salt keeps the bad spirits away?" Harley nosed throughout the corner shop.

Damn, I should have brought garlic. Wait, does garlic even work here?

Harley noted a table. It had a crystal ball and a set of cards. The hostess must be doing her business or helping another client. The candles were on, the door was not locked and she could smell the vague scent of juniper and lemon from the incense sticks. That meant that someone was there. She suddenly had a memory of when she went to a Catholic mass for a friend and the priest began to sway the pot with those fumes. It wasn't as strong but the scent filled her lungs. She preferred the smell of baked cookies.

She began to look at the books off to the side:

The original printing of the _Malleus Malificarum_ , _Chinese Astrology: What Is Your Fortune_?, and _Feng Sui for beginners._

Harley noted a statue of the Egyptian goddess Bast. She was about to touch it when a voice called out, "Be careful with that! She is delicate."

A woman with dark hair and robes appeared. Harley felt like she had been sent back in time to a medieval flea market. The lady wore a satin with stars and moons. Her bracelets chinked and her hoop earrings looked awesome.

"Um, hi. I am here because I was told you could help me?" The blonde said nervously. "I do not help. I only guide. The stars are there to chart and illuminate not to machinate." The woman said in a soothing, almost otherworldly tone. "Um, yeah. I was told that you are Madame Xanadu and that you could help me out with my problems?"

"Worldly distresses can be solved from looking within. They cannot be solved from external forces." Harley sighed.

"Look, I don't care about who won on Drag Race last week and I am not here to talk about the new judges on certain TV shows and whether or not they are good. I am here to discuss things that are affecting me personally and I need help!" Harley whimpered.

"Very well. I suppose I can offer a secondary opinion if the matters that concern you are not earthly. What is it that you wish to understand?"

"I wanna know what I can do about the credit company and how I can stop them from making my score go any lower. I wanna know why my planets are out of whack when the dinkheads at AstroCamp Daily read my sign wrong!"

"So your concerns are financial? Is this a matter that really deserves my concern?" Madame Xanadu tried to let her down gently.

"That and I wanna know if I can feed my babies again. They are threatening to cut off my electricity."

Xanadu had heard of this 'Harleen Quinzel'. She was once a psychiatrist at the Arkham Asylum whose affections for the malevolent Joker were unrequited. Since then, she has stepped away from his dark and toxic influence.

"Very well, I will do a reading for you using my Tarot cards. Be warned, they are a very general guide and should not be taken literally." Madame Xanadu warned her.

"Sure, whatever. The guys at the bank won't talk to me. In fact, they are scared of me!"

Madame Xanadu gestured for her to take a seat while she went to retrieve her set. Harley began to look at the various assortment of charms that decorated the shop. She was also starting to get ideas for her wardrobe: Bohemian chic was starting to look good. Maybe Red could offer some tips.

"Wow, this musta cost a billion smackers!" Harley noted a giant blue crystal set between two white wax candles.

"Would you like some tea?" The store owner asked.

"Um, sure. Do you have any berry flavors?" Harley said quickly. She jumped, worried that she was caught snooping around.

"I have chamomille, cinammon and pumpkin."

Yuck. Harley made a face.

"Um...do you have any peppermint? Or peach?" Harley wanted to have a few extra minutes to explore its mysterious corridors. She felt like she was in some sort of fairy tale.

Or in Middle Earth.

"I will go check. Be careful not to touch anything."

When she was sure that the witchy looking owner was gone, Harley resumed her activities

Save for the spooky looking dragons, satin drapes, and gargoyles, Harley thought that this was a rather unique place.

"Man, I wonder if I can buy a wizard's hat and a giant stick here!"

Harley considered herself superstitious and had been checking her daily zodiac reading but she had never considered going deeper into the astral arts. It was a hobby that she picked up on a few weeks back. She believed in lucky numbers…..sort of. She knew what her birthstone was (Sapphire, thank you!) and she was pretty much in agreement with her reading when it came to her moon sign (Cancer). But still, this place was like a buried treasure. So many intricacies, so many details…..so much cool stuff.

She set her eyes on a stack of runes. She had never really gotten into them. For one thing, it was way too complicated and the varied history made them confusing to understand. Plus, she was not patient with the interpretations. It was too vague. The readings contradicted one another. She liked having something more concrete.

Behind her was a blue glow.

"Woah," Harley exclaimed as she noted the artifact. It was a blue-rock like article. It was in midair. It was suspended between what looked like a staff. There was a space between the two points of the staff. She had never seen anything like it.

"Somehow, I don't think you will heal the bunions on my feet." Harley observed. The Stevie Nicks look-alike hadn't shown up and Harley was tempted.

She wanted to touch.

Just to see.

 _You will get caught._

It will be quick.

 _What if you break it_?

Harley removed the glass protective case that surrounded the glowing staff. The blue-grey rock looking thingy was still spinning. From what Harley saw, she did not see any special gloves or tools. That meant that she could touch it, provided that she was careful. It was only going to be for a few seconds.

"Excuse me? Miss Quinzel? I hope you are not disappointed as I do not have neither peach or peppermint tea. Perhaps you would enjoy this offering of chocolate milk and biscuits?"

Just then, the gypsy looking woman gasped.

"What do you think you are doing?!"

Harley was juggling the rock between her hands.

"Your store didn't have a sign that didn't say 'Don't Touch!'" Harley beamed.

That is a very delicate item. I retrieved it from a very important and clandestine organization for purely exhibition purposes. In return, I get a fee for display. I must upkeep maintenance for my shop!"

"Relax! I just wanted to try a sample!"

"That item you are holding is a Tesseract! It comes from Asgard and it is a very potent tool!" Madame Xanadu cried.

"Looks like something that was burped out of Mount Vesuvius!"

Xanadu was worried. Not only was this strange woman toying with a very delicate object but she worried about her getting hurt. Surprisingly, that was not the case. Perhaps the more malevolent properties were dormant due to its lack of proximity to its original owner.

Just then, it began to glow very brightly.

"You fool! You have affected its properties!"

"Hey, I can't get it off my hand! It's stuck!"

A white lone shone throughout the room. Suddenly, as if nothing happened, Harley was gone. The evidence that this was not a mere trick of the eye was that the case was empty and the staff was moved slightly.

"May the heavens have mercy on me," Madame Xanadu said morosely.

* * *

The effect was like a bad roller coaster and Harley was sure that she was going to expel the contents from her stomach. Goodbye avocado bacon cheeseburger and peanut butter milkshake. I hardly knew ye.

The whirl was powerful. She saw multiple colors dash past her. There was shine and sparkles. It was like a bad dream or a very bad hang over. She really wished that it was the latter or that it was a bad dream. Not even the broken funhouse spin cycle ride attraction at one of Mistah J's abandoned funhouses made her feel like this and that was saying something.

At least, she found some solid ground. Or at least she thought she did until she hit the floor. The fall was long. And painful. Her bum was aching.

Ow.

The floor was solid and cold. It was stony. She was glad that she had finally had something tangible but the place was spooky. It looked like that witchy lady's store except that there were some things that were missing…..and a few things that she did not recognize.

It was a dungeon. There was a goblet and a fire glowing in the middle of a flask. There were scrolls and some really old books.

"Huh? Witch Hazel? Yoohooo? Hello? What room is this? I could use those Oreos now!"

"Strange specimen, indeed," an icy voice broke her confusion.

Wha-?

Before her stood a very tall man with slick backed hair. His robes were shaded green with some tint of gold at the trims.

"Hey, you look like you teach at that wizard school in that movie I saw, or something." Harley exclaimed with a smile.

"I beg your pardon, Mortal?" The tall man hissed.

"You know! The one with that kid and that scar on his head! You look like you teach potions!"

"I do not share my secrets with anyone, heathen girl. Now tell me before I turn you into the next roast for tonight's banquet. Who are you?"

Harley knew that she was no longer at the Witch Lady's store. It must have had something to do with the rock. She tapped her jacket. Yep, it was still there. She did not want to bring it out now for it had caused her too many problems as of now.

"Depends who is asking." She shot back.

"Aye, defiant, aren't we?" He countered. The 'man' opposite her studied her. He wasn't so much a 'regular' man, Harley deduced. His height was impressive but she doubted he was a member of the NBA with a fetish for D&D during down time. He wore green. It was like Mistah Js hair except it was more of an emerald color. His helmet was gold colored and they had two long and pointy horns. She didn't remember anyone in the JLA looking like that. Harley knew that if she made a rodeo quip that he would not let her breathe one more second. Play cool.

"I don't talk to strangers," Harley replied quickly.

"Those Midgardian warnings shall not apply here no longer, wench." The man said calmly.

He was practicing a new spell from a scroll he had discovered that had fallen into Asgard's armies centuries back when he accidentally conjured up the strange being. Midgardian, or so he thought. The build hinted at that. Her flaxen her was designed to the effect that she resembled certain woodland creatures. Her foul tongue, however, tested him.

"Izzat so, pal? If you are so sure about where I am, why doncha tell me?"

Vile curses or a spell would produce nothing. She seemed to think that he was of her world. It was time to demonstrate to her that she was in his realm now and that she had better behave accordingly.

"You will be the color of roast fowl and smothered in rich sauces before being expelled alongside Volstagg's bowels if you fail to do what I say!"

Harley knew that she was out of her element. She had to play her cards right if she wanted to get on his good side. She had done it before. However, this was her first experience with someone who had 'magic'.

"Yessir," Harley squeaked. He had a short temper, a dangerous weapon, and a bad attitude to boot.

"Hey! Aren't you the one with the hot older brother? You're like Mistah J except with, yannow, magic!"

A flash of green blazed over her head. It created a smoldering mark.

"You dare refer to Loki's strengths as magic, Midgardian whore?!" He hissed.

This was not going to be easy. To make things more complicated, he was kind of hot.

End of Part 1.


End file.
